Seeking Out Change

Rescue Me!

2006-06-24T22:02:00.000-07:00

I only caught the last 15 minutes of this weeks episode. It was so hot. I want to be Janet. Married to a fireman. Separate. Sleep with his brother the cop. Have crazy sex with the ex who's still a fireman and then go back to the cop. What a love triangle or should I say sex triangle to be in. Oh if life was really that exciting.

Oh my gosh, It has been so long since I blogged here.

2006-06-23T16:54:00.000-07:00

It is funny to see this blog again. I miss my faceless blog that I wrote anything and everything in. It was discovered by another so I ditch this blog for another.

I have a myspace blog now. I know I caved into the pressure of myspace.

It is also weird to not be so mia or ana any more. I haven't gained a ton of weight. Holding at 118. I was down to 113 but now I am eating normal.

I don't miss all the junk blog comments. Those just totally suck. I wish those losers found something else to do but I am sure they are just doing their jobs. Junk mail, spam email and now spam blog comments. Lame

Mean Girls II

2005-10-10T00:16:00.000-07:00

In my experiences generally women are always competing with other women friend or not. Some of us tend to be nice towards others but we still compete by striving to be better. Some compete by making themselves feel better by destroying another girls confidence. Feel lucky if you are a guy. You compete to get the girl. We compete to get the guy, keep the guy, look better than the other women around and look better than your husband's friend's wives/girlfriends. Then there are the groups of women to compete against, girls at the gym, moms at the schools, moms at kids activities (soccer, gymnastics, dance classes, scouts, etc.), women in our clubs and generally any woman that your husband/boyfriend comes in contact with. It is all a big competition to be better than every other woman. I am always seeing someone that is better looking, thinner, younger, dressed nicer, better than me. It just makes me want to be better, workout more, dress nicer, fix-up my shit. Competition can be good for making us strive for improvement. I just hate it when we as women tear down others to make ourselves feel better. I've see it happen. I hate it. I actually have given compliments to women about their appearances whom I didn't know. It made them feel good about themselves and I felt good doing it. It was weird the first time I gave a stranger a compliment. Wouldn't it be nice if we would all do that some time.

Failed Ana Today And Myself On Friday Night

2005-10-09T23:19:00.000-07:00

Man, I was doing so good. I just kinda lost it today. I started out having a productive day. The past few days I have had a bunch of cookies laying around the house for other individuals in my house. Tonight I couldn't take it any longer. I had 3 cookies and a scoop of ice cream. What a failure.

I did hit the gym today. Probably not enough calories burned to off set my intake for today. Tomorrow is a new day. I didn't lift weights today. I am way too sore from lifting on Friday. I did back and triceps. I was a bit sore yesterday. I thought hey no big deal, I will lift chest tomorrow. I must have over done it. I can hardly raise my hands above my head. I can do it. It just takes me a while to get there and a bit of moaning. That is not the kind of moaning I like to do.

Speaking of moaning. I forgot to put this in yesterday's entry. Friday night was almost a great night of moaning. I will try to make this PG. I have the big O's during stimulation but I have not had an O during just penetration. Friday I was so close. I was on my way and my partner asked me if I was going to O. Well that threw my whole concentration. I left the zone. He did his thing. It was over seconds before I needed it to be. Totally bummin'.

Mean Girls

2005-10-08T22:58:00.000-07:00

It just disturbs me when women put down other women to make themselves feel better. I have this one friend that I finally confided in about my feelings pertaining a particular individual in our women's club. I have mentioned this horrible woman in my blog before. Well, today I was fed up with all the cc emails and the implied messages sent to me from this woman. I laid out my feelings towards this horrible woman to my friend. It turns out this horrible woman has been critizing my friend and has even gone as far as telling my friend she needs to lose weight. Now that is wrong to do to anyone. Secondly the fluff ball of a woman should look in the mirror and tell herself to stop eating. My friend is working her butt off for our club. This horrible woman has all negative things to say about my friend and emails my friend how she should do her job for the club. When stepping up to be President and taking on responsiblity came, where was she? Damn fat backseat driver. She needs to go stick her head back in her trough and leave my friend alone. And she also needs to stop cc'ing emails to me. I don't care to know any of her shit.

Last Day Of Supervision

2005-10-07T16:09:00.000-07:00

I have almost made it through the gauntlet of constant supervision around here. Amazingly I have not packed on the pounds.

The house is making a turn for the better. I even cleaned out my "junk" drawer and "junk" cupboard. Now I just have to do the final placement of unhomed items. Then it will be ready for carpet cleaning and the hard floors to be scrubbed down. I am feeling excited and joyful that I can see a finish line to the house disaster that started will home improvements. Yeah!

Rachel Ray

2005-10-06T16:02:00.000-07:00

I have been watching and recording 30 minute meals. I found a few that I like. I do need to invest in more kitchen equipment. I have a running list of items to purchase. Next week will be the soonest possible time for shopping.

Speaking of shopping, I have to purchase a few more items at old navy. My pants are starting to droop in the buttocks area and low rise pants tend to slide down if not tight enough. I cannot have that happening, nor do I want anyone questioning my weight loss. I am narrowing down my daily intake though I do have to make dinners around here. Ana is my friend but the other girl I will not entertain.

Someone Is Watching

2005-10-05T15:56:00.000-07:00

For the next few days, I will have an audience watching my every eating habit. I will need to be careful of not over eating. I don't want to put weight back on.

I am making progress on the house. I have another huge pile of stuff for a garage sale or to donate. I will try to get my act together and have a yard sale in 2 weeks. I have a lot of stuff that is great but I just don't use it. I even recycled a stack of magazines today. I verbally stated to witnesses that I will not be purchasing any more magazines, I don't have time to read them and I don't have space to store them. Wouldn't you know that I would get a fundraising letter from my neice for a magazine subscription. Oh well. Atleast I have a bit of free space for a few months.

Ana Is Working

2005-10-03T00:38:00.000-07:00

Ana has been around for over a week. She has not been as strict as she could have been. But she is trying. I went to the gym today and actually lifted some minor weights. My muscle mass as been decreasing over the past few weeks. I just haven't felt like lifting lately. I did get on the scale at the gym. To my surprise it was only 119. I need to keep up the hard work.

Weight Tracker 2

2005-10-03T00:36:00.000-07:00

Confrontation

2005-10-01T00:21:00.000-07:00

Today I had to get into someone's face. It is a long story. To make it short, this man was acting inappropriately. No one was going to tell this guy to stop. This man was quite a bit larger than me. I just went up to him and said that what he was doing was not okay. He made excuses for his behavior. I continued to tell him he wasn't being a good model for his son and that what he was doing was not okay. I was firm. I didn't curse, yell or physically assault him. The man was a bit shocked that I confronted him. I said my peace. He stood there shocked, stopped what he was doing, and then walked away. After it all occurred, I walked away feeling that oh my gosh, now I am going to see this guy at the grocery store or around town every day for at least a few weeks. Then I thought, thank goodness I dressed in my low rise tan slacks and tank top this morning. If you are going to cause a scene, be remembered as looking sexy.

Things are looking Up!

2005-09-30T00:17:00.000-07:00

I went to an appreciation lunch today. It was nice to be appreciated. I even won at bingo after lunch was served. I didn't do so well on my eating. I have noticed a difference in my size though the scale hasn't been changing as quickly as I had hoped it would. Gotta hang tough.

The Rat

2005-09-29T00:04:00.000-07:00

There is a rat in my life. No not a little rodent like the mouse living in my garage. No this is a rat of the human kind. I just found out that somebody has been snooping around on my computer. This person found my blogs. He didn't like what he read. Well tough shit. Apparently he found my blog earlier in the week. He had been dropping hints and asking me weird questions. Turns out they were about my writings. Well if you are reading this and you are the rat, I hope you feel guilty about it. After our discussion I thought about discontinuing my blog. But why should I let you ruin my personal space to express my feelings. Poo Poo on you.

Shopping

2005-09-28T23:56:00.000-07:00

I went shopping today. I had to spend $50 to use my $10 off coupon. I did spend that much and a bit more. I found some great deals on some shirts and a pair of slacks. I am not sure what the deal is with sizes. I tried on 3 pairs of slacks all size 4. I like my pants to be a bit loose. 2 of the pairs of slacks where not too tight but the third was slightly looser than the others. I purchased the loose pair. I figure after I put them in the dryer, the pants will probably shrink up a bit. At least I hope that is the case. I immediately went home to try on my new pants with one of my new tops. By the end of the day my pants were too baggy. Now I am wishing I got the tighter pants. Do low rider pants actually fall off if they are too loose? I hope I don't find out the answer to that question by self exploration.

Garage

2005-09-27T23:48:00.000-07:00

I made some progress on the garage today. After seeing my pet mouse running loose in the garage, I decided I had better get serious about my storage of things/getting rid of junk in an effort to vacate the rodent. At the same time I am cleaning the interior living spaces. I purchased numerous plastic tubs of various sizes. I love storage containers. I donated 8 bags of stuff to a nonprofit organization last week. Now I am starting a new pile. I have to get rid of all this clutter. Clutter, anarchy, disorganization is ruining my life. I gotta get a grip.

Ana

2005-09-26T23:45:00.000-07:00

Doing my best to keep in touch with Ana. Boy is it tough though. I wonder if it is easy for other people to enjoy Ana's company. I am finding it hard. Lots of water seems to help. I need to visit Ana web sites more for motivation.

That Dog!

2005-09-25T23:40:00.000-07:00

My mom's new dog so little, so cute, and bites me. She bites my hands, feet, loves my socks and tries to rip off chunks of my pants.
Today she was so happy to see me, she peed on me. She must really love me.

Out of Control

2005-09-24T22:12:00.000-07:00

I am feeling totally out of control. The past few days I have just felt a bit reckless. I am looking to get out of the current mess of my life. I cannot explain fully what is going on. Due to the simple fact that I cannot explain it to myself. Months ago I was simply miserable in my situation without outright cause. Just unsatisfied though I had much to be appreciative of. Selfishness.

Then about a month and a half ago, my significant other tore up my bedroom carpet to put in faux wood flooring. I was going to be out of town for two weeks. I told him do not do anything to the room except finish the painting. I was not ready for a room remodel. I came home to a concrete slab. I was not happy. The faux wood color was too dark. I compromised. I said just have it all done, completely done in 4 weeks and I will be alright. The room is still not complete. I have shit all over my house. I do not have one location in my house that doesn't have some kind of crap in it. I feel paralyzed by the disorder.

I have always been concerned with my weight. Tonight I checked out the Ana sites. Some control and losing weight may be my new plight. Tomorrow will be tough to get through unnoticed but Monday will be easy. Friday I started careful review of my intake. I failed with 2 cookies today. I gotta get control of something. Handling my daily life isn't enough. I gotta find success some where. I am going to go read. Escape is good.

Model weight vs Average weight

2005-09-23T00:00:00.000-07:00

There a new controversial ad which depicts average sized women selling soap as more attractive to the average buyer than the normally pictured skinny minny model. It was on the morning talk shows, etc. The data reported was that the average model is 5'11 weighing 117 lbs. The average american woman is 5'4 weighing 140 lbs. Working the mathematics on the height vs weight numbers, models average 1.65 lb/in and the average woman 2.1 lb/in. My current heighest weight is 125 (I flux between 123-125) and my BMI at 21.46 (using generic online calculator). My ideal model weight should be 105.6 lbs with a BMI of 18.19 which means I need to lose 20 pounds. I am so screwed. I thought that losing 10-15 pounds was what I needed. I also thought that losing 10 pounds was impossible considering I like eating. Damn Models make us Average women look fat.

Is This Friday?

2005-09-22T23:32:00.000-07:00

I got up today prepared for most of my daily activities. I even walked the dog this morning. After my freaky nightmare and the following night getting little sleep, I was whipped. I ended up taking a nap. I barely lifted my head to look at the clock and thought hey it's Friday. It's Yoga today, I can miss yoga. Then blissfully slept for an hour. Later today while being a productive individual, I realized it's not Friday, it's Thursday. Shit I missed my Pilates class. I cannot afford to miss any pilates classes. I have been a total slacker. I lost a few pounds last week. This week I proceeded to pack those pounds back on. Loser. I mean Gainer. Whatever.

Freaky Dreams

2005-09-21T08:21:00.000-07:00

I love to watch Horror movies. I especially dig movies that involve survival against the odds. Last night I didn't watch any scary movies or television. I dreamt of the walking dead. The classic Dawn of the Dead type dream. I was one of the survivors trying to escape/live. Man I was so into the dream that when I woke up, the dream was still on my mind. I had an hour more of comfortable bed, morning sleep. I would close my eyes and resume my dream. After I turned on the radio, I felt comforted to hear about the normal morning dreary commute. The world isn't ending as I know it. I wasn't as sluggish to get going this morning. I even got the recycle and trash out before the garbage truck came barrelling down my street. Good Morning You Gorgeous Living People!

Where Is He?

2005-09-18T21:05:00.000-07:00

Oh, yeah. I already got a man. He is no prince.

Two Women

2005-09-18T20:48:00.000-07:00

I was having a chat yesterday about the Over There episode with the two women sexual encounter. He told me it is every male's fantasy to see two women going at it. I told him that was not true. It would have to be two hot chicks going at it. Any two women may not live up to the male fantasy. He conceded my point. If it was two girls and guy. I would have to say I would rather be the extra one added to the couple that be the couple with the added girl.

Cassie Has Had Better Hair Days

2005-09-18T20:36:00.000-07:00

Spam and Comment Spam

2005-09-18T20:18:00.000-07:00

Through my internet provider I have spam blocker. Spam still gets through. Now on my blog I am getting comment spam. Do people actually get paid to put spam comments on Blogs? Yeah, Yeah, they are just doing thier jobs. I still think "Jerk" everytime I read one.

Damn Governor

2005-09-17T20:05:00.000-07:00

Proposition 75 in California is going on a special ballot in November. Essentially the proposition is to shut up the union workers, nurses, teachers, cops and firefighters. The Governor wanted to take away cops and firefighter death benefits and the unions stopped it. Nurses were getting their ratios jacked up so their union stopped the Governor. Now this new proposition is supposed to make the unions shut up so the Governor can to whatever he wants to the workers of CA. He is such as jack ass! Now he is running for Governor again. He needs to get the shit kicked out of him while the cops look the other way, the fire department has a slow arrival time and the nurses give him some extra special unnecessary and unpleasent procedures in the hospital. I will be a protester. Expect to see me on some corner holding a sign.

Being A Bitch Does Not Work For Me

2005-09-16T19:56:00.000-07:00

Last Night I had a Women's Club meeting. It seems to me that ever since this woman called Annie has come into the position of VP she is just unbearable. After all the meetings this year I have been in such a pissy mood because of her. Last night she was reporting on her project of a Victorian Tea Fundraiser. She was so bitchy I couldn't stand it. She was trying to bully people into volunteering for various things on the project, passing around the signup sheets. I have been a chairperson less than a year ago and raised over 16,000 dollars. I was nice, I begged people to help me. I was never a bitch. I was willing to signup for more things before her bitchy tactics. Annie actually said to the President that she would be nice at the regional meeting, acknowleging her complete nastiness during our meeting. Mean Bitch.

20/80 factor.

2005-09-15T19:40:00.000-07:00

I belong to a Women's Club. Our group does a bunch of different project to better our community. Check out the website for more info :http://elkgrovelagunawomen.tripod.com/home.htm
I don't feel like pushing it or out reaching for volunteerism right now.

I have heard from various people from different walks of life that in most groups it is a 20/80 ratio for people that actually do the work in a group setting. I experienced that first hand as a chairperson on a project. Now we are doing a new fundraiser for our club. Thankfully I am not the chairperson this time around. I am on the executive board of this group and we decided that we wouldn't do any fundraising this year. Then this woman, I will call Annie without the executive board or our clubs consent started promising a Victorian Tea fundraising event around town. At the proposal meeting she pushed this project onto the group. Honestly I am burnt out on fundraising. I nicely told her that I liked her enthusiasm and all her requests of the group were well thought out but she is ultimately responsible for the outcome as the chairperson. She was trying to delegate most of the work, which is nice for her. Our group loves their names associated with great works but when it comes down to doing the work a small percentage of people actually participate. With lots of no's and more yes's the Victorian Tea fundraiser will be happening this December. Yuck.

Over There

2005-09-14T19:23:00.000-07:00

This weeks episode of Over There must have caused a surge of male arousal. My goodness, the lesbian scene was incredible. Last week the blonde soldier was just naked enough to let everyone know she had an awsome body. This week I about died when the other blonde girl kisses her in the shower. I was turned on. Wow that was a good episode.

Unbreakable

2005-09-13T19:20:00.000-07:00

I rented Unbreakable with Bruce Willis. I used to think Sean Connery was so hot. He got better looking the older he got. Now I am so turned on my Bruce Willis. He is so hot. I think Demi was crazy. The movie was good. But Bruce was better.

Monday Meals on Wheels

2005-09-12T19:16:00.000-07:00

Today a new stop was added to my route. Completely out of the way. I didn't have trouble finding it. I did have trouble with the stairs. Have you ever gone down steps that are super short. I didn't notice how short the steps were going up. When I tried to quickly run down the stairs, I almost fell flat on my face. More laughable than graceful.

Rescue Me

2005-09-11T19:03:00.000-07:00

Man. The season finale of Rescue Me was just a bummer. I cannot believe they killed of the guy's son with a drunk driver. I admit the show can be some what over the top most of the time. It seemed like everyone had a crappy ending. Broken marriage, broken faith, girlfriend leaves town, lesbian bliss turned to bust, and dumb nice guy losses bunch of money on prostitute scam (everyone should have seen that one coming). Lots of country western songs could have been the basis for this year's finale.

Toy Dogs

2005-09-10T18:47:00.000-07:00

My parents recently purchased a toy australian shepard. It is so cute. They named it Jenna but with a G (Genna). They have always named their australian shepards with G names. When my dad told me Genna, I told him that starts with a J. He said he can spell it any way he wants. Whatever. I told him they should have named it Taz, for tazmanian devil. The dog bites. She bites my pants, socks, toes, fingers, hands, shirt, and even my hair. The only time she isn't biting me, she is sleeping. I know puppies bite but this one I have to hold in the air by one hand to keep it from biting. Hopefully she will grow out of it. Maybe she will even grow an inch or two.

My dog doesn't like the little bugger. Now my dog doesn't look forward to visiting my mom's house. She feels betrayed. Can I blame her?

Mad Ship

2005-09-09T18:37:00.000-07:00

Just finished Mad Ship by Robin Hobb. Great book. I cannot wait to read Ship of Destiny. I ran to my local Borders to get my copy. They didn't have it. I am so bummed.

I recently got my mom reading some of the better books I have read. She is on the Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, Book 2 by Stephen Donaldson. My dad surprised her with Book 3 The Runes of the Earth. She showed the book to me. Then she asked me if I wanted to read it first. I told her no, I could wait since she was almost finished with book 2. She just laughed at me. I took a look in her book and realized she was only on page 132. She is a slow reader. I will have plenty of time to finish the third book before she is close to finishing book two.

Harry Potter

2005-09-08T01:06:00.000-07:00

You scored as Hermione Granger. You're one intelligent witch, but you have a hard time believing it and require constant reassurance. You are a very supportive friend who would do anything and everything to help her friends out.

Hermione Granger

90%

Ron Weasley

85%

Harry Potter

65%

Remus Lupin

65%

Ginny Weasley

65%

Albus Dumbledore

60%

Severus Snape

60%

Sirius Black

55%

Draco Malfoy

40%

Lord Voldemort

25%

Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...?
created with QuizFarm.com

My Hair

2005-09-07T18:30:00.000-07:00

I have been blessed with thick wonderful hair that grows quickly. Today I had an appointment with my hair dresser. He informed me that it had been almost a year since my last appointment. I knew that the ends were a bit scraggly but it still had shape to it. I was just too busy this summer to take time out for my hair needs. Fortunately my hair looks good any way. Today I went wild. Wild for me any way. It is all relative. I had some highlights put in. It is the first hair color I have ever had. I was always complimented on my hair color prior to this experiment. I just wanted a change. I didn't want to get my hair all wacked off. So I kept it long and added some pazzazz. I like it.

Post Office

2005-09-06T18:18:00.001-07:00

Today I spent time in line at the post office to send my first package to Iraq. I was told that it needed to be searched before I taped it closed. After spending a considerable amount of time in line, Dean the mailman thought I was crazy. He told me no search and to send it in the flat rate box. Basically I did it all wrong. He repackaged my box, gave me all the boxes, labels and paper work so next time I would be prepared. I felt like such a dummy.

From a friend, I found out that on base they have a top ten list of items that soldiers want. I sent 6 of those items. I am pretty sure that Joe doesn't use any tobacco products so I didn't include any of that stuff. From the list, I included: chap stick, individually wrapped wet ones, personal hygiene wipes, beef jerky, jolly ranchers and slim jims. The rest was junk food. I hope he likes some of the stuff and gives the stuff he wont use to other soldiers.

Post Office

2005-09-06T18:18:00.000-07:00

Katrina Aftermath

2005-09-05T19:11:00.000-07:00

Hurricane Katrina left a complete mess and destruction of many cities along the coast. It is so depressing to watch the news. Seeing the reaction on the business and home owners realizing that they have lost everything. There is no difference if your house is just gone or if it submerged under water. The result is the same, devastation. So sad.

Katrina

2005-09-02T20:14:00.000-07:00

Hurricane Katrina has devastated the coastline of our country. I feel miserable for all the people affected by this natural disaster. What would I do if it was me. I would have hoped that I would have left when I was told to evacuate. If I was one of the individuals there, I am stubborn, resourceful, and strong willed enough to find a way out of there. Easy for me to say since I am not living it. If it were my child starving, I would be going out and finding food not waiting for it. I would not be able to wait around and take it.

I read novels and watch movies with plagues, war, and disasters. Since I was a teen, I would dream of hiking across country evading enemies and disease. I have the fight response. Years back I was waiting in line to enter a club. Some young drunk punks leaving the club were making rude comments to my friend and I. My friend's military husband was with us. Most of the comments were about my mini skirt. I was clubbing, not going to church. One man kept up his banter and I cannot remember my remarks but they were most likely rude. This man comes up to me and pins me up to the wall behind me. He is in my face talking smack. What do I do? I punch him in the gutt. He doubles over. He looks up at me. He doesn't think I could have possibly hit him that hard and proceeds to punch my friend's husband. Finally, the very large and intimidating bouncer comes over. My friend's husband deserved to be punched for being a Pussy-La-La. During the event, it never occurred to me to ask for help or wiggle away. I just punched him. Jerk.

I hope things get better over there. If I didn't have my responsibilities to fulfill here, I would volunteer with the Red Cross right now. I have some baggage in my thirties that need to grow up before I can gallivant around the country being a do gooder. I am a local do gooder which is frightening in its own way.

Addicted

2005-09-01T19:17:00.000-07:00

I am addicted to books. My gosh. I just finished another book, Ship of Magic by Robin Hobb. In the summer I definately read more due to the lack of interesting tv shows. Too many reruns to even bother turning the tv on. Lately I just keep reading, and reading, and reading, until it is early morning. One night I didn't sleep at all. I just kept reading. Tomorrow will be difficult. I don't have a book on hand to read and will not have time to pick up a new book until Saturday. I will be combing blogs all night until I get tired enough to go to sleep.

My bedroom is still not finished. The flooring is all down. The trim and crown molding is not finished. I am sleeping on the sofa. I cannot stand the clutter in the living room. I have been using books to escape my misery. I need my clean house back.

Panda

2005-08-30T19:35:00.000-07:00

Check out the baby panda and her mom! http://animal.discovery.com/cams/pandavidr.html
There is a live camera feed and photos. Too cute.

Starved

2005-08-29T18:17:00.000-07:00

I have been watching the FX series Starved for the past few weeks. I was intrigued with the show from the beginning because three of the main roles are men suffering from eating disorders. Generally when I think of a bulimic, I think young female from teenagers to late 30's. Women have to deal with trying to look like models, keeping their man happy, and competing with other women to look better. I hate to admit it but yes women are always competing with other women. It is a sad, sad thing that we compare ourselves to others. I try to appreciate or compliment others on their looks but some days I am just wishing I could look that good.

Anyway, the last episode of Starved just got to me. Seeing all the vomiting is not pleasant. The male cop gets instructions on how to throw up better from another man. Vomiting by command. It really got to me. After the show, I wanted to go to bed and read. When I was brushing my teeth, I felt like I had to throw up. Yuck. It brought back memories of my teenage years. I tried to be anorexic but I did not have the will power. Then, I thought bulimia was the answer. It was disgusting but not too bad. When I found out it was going to ruin my teeth, I stopped. Work, school, and excercise worked for me. Now that I am in my thirties, I have to exercise more and eat less. I have tried the dieting pills but they don't seem to help me lose weight. They seem to give me the shakes. There is no easy way to be thin.

Kushiel's Chosen

2005-08-29T17:55:00.000-07:00

Just finished reading Kushiel's Chosen by Jaqueline Carey. I have read this novel and Kushiel's Dart probably two years ago. It surprised me that I had forgotten whole sections of the novel. I rarely re-read any books. I was just in the mood to read some novels that I knew were good. I must go to Borders and purchase the third book in this series. The novels are filled with adventure, plots, and of course sex. It is in the fantasy section not the romance section. I dislike mushy romance novels. I have tried them in the past. The sex sections are not worth the predictability a romance novel has. I love hanging on the edge, cannot put down the book, just have to read more feeling of a good book. Sexual text isn't necessary, it is a bonus.

Check It Out

2005-08-28T23:44:00.000-07:00

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Do I Really Look Like That? Yikes! This cannot be my bedroom personality! Who are You?

Cough, Cough

2005-08-28T18:31:00.000-07:00

Still Sick. Nothing happening worth writing about.

Can't Sleep

2005-08-25T00:59:00.000-07:00

I was goofing around with the template of my blog this evening. I liked the look and feel of the old blog but the formating was off every time I veiwed my blog. I could have been fine for someone elses computer, but it was just bugging me.

I also changed my picture to this naughty fairy. If anyone perfers my regular picture let me know. I felt this fairy expresses my personality a bit better. What can a person tell from a snap shot that is so small and taken out of context? I feel like I have a fever right now, but I will continue on my same line of thought. When you are at a party and someone sticks a camera in your face and says smile, is that the real you? You put on a smile even if you don't want to. I remember when the Glamour Shots portrait places came out. With a ton of makeup on and airbrushing, anyone can look like a model. Anyway, I don't wear much makeup. I am most comfortable in casual clothes. I love my low rise jeans, prefering pants over skirts/shorts though I just bought 3 new skirts for summer. I dislike baggy frumpy clothing. The fairy part of my personality wants to do good for others, do good work in all that I pursue. The tattered wings show the imperfections in me. The clothing shows my naughty side. That pretty much covers it.

Not Good Times

2005-08-24T23:46:00.000-07:00

I'm sick. I don't feel well. To top it off, I have been eating to make myself feel better. Not good self medication.

My internet access was down for most of the day. I have come to realize that I am dependent on my access to the internet. I have been dying all day to check my email and do a little bit of typing. It was not my computer. I spent time trouble shooting the problem. Then I called around and found out the whole neighborhood was disconnected. Darn cable company. Once I got back online, I was relieved. I can go to sleep with a sense of security.

Clearing Out The Frig

2005-08-23T11:33:00.000-07:00

Just got back from the store. Groceries are half put away. I have to clean out the frig and reorganize it to fit all the stuff I bought. I took a break to veiw some blogs and came across this weight tracker website. The tracker is pretty cool but also a reminder of where you want to go. A weight of 125 for my height is not too bad (average wt for my height 140). I just would like to be thinner, doesn't everybody. Although weighing less on the scale doesn't always convert to looking good in the mirror. I have been hitting the gym consistantly for 2 years now. I have gained muscle mass, reduced my over all flabbiness, and can actually see some abs. My trouble area is my ab region. It is heretitary. All I have to do is look at my mom. As the saying goes, You gotta take the good with the bad.

Weight Tracker

2005-08-23T11:24:00.000-07:00

Tardiness

2005-08-23T09:00:00.000-07:00

My mother brought us up to be 15 minutes early to any appointments and on time for any party/formal engagements. I still hold to those standards to this day. It has saved me from being late due to traffic or just getting lost on the way to an event. I have such a hard time with individuals that are late to everything and think that its okay. I have even heard them say "Someone has to be last." I find that it is just self centered people that are continuously late for meetings/appointments. Don't they know that our time is valuable. I do admit some times there may be a crisis that you cannot control that will make you late but that is a rare. I am talking about the habitual offenders. Show respect for other people and be on time.

Monday, Monday

2005-08-22T09:39:00.000-07:00

Started off the morning with a quick jog around the neighborhood. It wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. Running on a treadmill is completely different from street running. It was probably already 80 degrees outside. Got a sweat going by the time I got home but didn't feel horrible when I finished. Heading out for delivering Meals On Wheels.

Going To War

2005-08-21T20:29:00.000-07:00

One of my extended family members left for Iraq a few days ago. I just receive the e-mail of his safe arrival to Iraq. Long ago my brother served in the army and was involved in the Saudia Arabia conflict. He returned home safely. At the time of his military deployment, I was in college and completely too wrapped up in my own frivolous life to write to him. I barely wrote any letters. Fortunately for my brother, my mother and his fiance wrote constantly. Now I am at a point in my life where e-mail is available. Thank you computer scientists for the advanced communication system. I wrote a quick e-mail bound for a soldier today. I cannot imagine what it must be like over there for them. It makes my life sound like a cake walk.

Feeling Lazy

2005-08-21T12:23:00.000-07:00

Truely I would love to just lay around the house today and read my book. I have 2 DVD's from Netflix that I haven't watched yet. I would love to just stay home today. Yet, I have to run some all important errands today before 4 pm. So I am moving my fanny in slow motion and I actually have my gym clothes on. I figure if I am going out anyway, I may as well work on my fanny. After my errands, I am going to pulg myself into a cardio machine and climb my fanny into shape while I watch some mind numbing television.

Man's Hero

2005-08-19T22:58:00.000-07:00

Bummer

2005-08-19T22:09:00.000-07:00

I had a terrible headache yesterday. I went to bed around 9 o'clock. I was thinking about something to write but was just too preoccupied with my head to write.

Today I wasn't much better. I wasn't productive at all. I barely got my necessary items finished. I am in a cruddy mood. Women hate it when men assume they are "PMSing". Poor boys. At my age, I don't deny it. I actually warn the poor guy to back off. I can tell when I want to ripe someone's head off. Then I think, oh yeah, hormones.

Well, hormones can be good or bad. I am definately more inclined to seek sexual pleasures at specific times during the month. The roller coaster continues each month. In my experience men are just on a constant savanger hunt looking for the next score. I may be wrong on that but I haven't been corrected on the issue. I have been told in the past that He was exhausted from work. Moments later when propositioned to perform sexually, he said he was never too tired for that. He continued to say that if I needed his services in the middle of the night to just wake him. He did wake up.

Can It Be True?

2005-08-17T23:33:00.000-07:00

Cardio, huh. Treadmill Running, Treadmill walking, eliptical, eliptical with arms, stair steppers, actual stairs that rotate, up right bikes, recumbent bikes, they all have the calorie counter on the monitor. I burn more calories on the eliptical than I do by running on the treadmill. How is that possible when running is so much harder? I try to tell myself that the calories burned shouldn't matter. The way I look/feel should be the important thing. Words, Words, Words. I honestly will work harder to burn that last 5 calories to make it an even 300.

I do love the TV monitors that are on some of the cardio equiptment. I have to say it not only pleasant to watch cable but it makes the time go by faster. Although, I some times wonder what people are thinking when I am watching MTV or BET. I love the videos. I like to pickup the pace to the music. Though if you watch some of the videos on TV they can be quite revealing. Hey, I want to dance like that and look like that too. To me it is motivation but to others it maybe on the verge of pornography. Oh well, if they are offended they just need to watch their own monitor. I have noticed the men that are next to me generally watch sports but constantly watch my monitor to see the girls gyrating. Wouldn't it be easier if they watched it on their monitor but then they might miss a big play I guess.

Drawing The Line

2005-08-17T23:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my birthday. I received flowers. A nice gift but not one that I truely appreciate. I used to work at a flower shop many years ago. Florist was one of my first jobs. The flowers reminded me of a lady that genuinely appreciates flowers and deserves them.

About 8 months ago, the Meals On Wheels program switched food providers. The Meals on Wheels through the Senior Center lost funding for Senior Nutrition Meals and was using Emergency Food Services when I started delivering. Due to California budget crisis, Emergency Food Services shut it's doors. Senior Nutrition Meals then stepped up to feed the Seniors in our area but under their guidelines. One of the various rules includes the age cut off of 60 years or older.

Out of all the seniors that I now deliver to, only a few are as home bound as this lady, Melinda. She is definately suffering from numerous health conditions, lives alone, dog just died, and suffers from depression. She got cut from the program because she isn't 60. How unjust.

Fairly often I think of her. I should visit more often. Daily life gets in the way of doing what is right. Today I purchased some long lasting mini carnations which I know she enjoys and visited her for almost 2 hours. I need to make a better effort to see her. Maybe make it a weekly thing? At least monthly.

Woopie

2005-08-16T07:22:00.000-07:00

It's My Birthday!

Gross

2005-08-15T20:56:00.000-07:00

After most weightlifting sessions or long cardio sessions, I go into the dry sauna. It is a relaxing quiet time. Some times social time. Occasionally a time to reflect. Mostly just a good sweat. Unlike most women/ladies, I enjoy sweating. It makes me feel like I had a good workout or atleast I am ridding myself of toxins. I do give consideration for others around me and contain my perspiration to myself.

Today, a not so slender or good looking man sat above me in the sauna. 5 minutes into my unwind, I feel a drip on my arm. Gross! The guy just put is disgusting bodily fluid on me. The only sweat from another person I want on me must be acquired from a sexual experience where more than one bodily fluid is going to be exchanged.

Are They Coming Back?

2005-08-13T20:55:00.000-07:00

I went to pick up my parents at the airport today. I quickly glanced at the fight information before I left to go to the gym. After my workout, I headed to the airport with plenty of time. I was hoping they would arrive early. I checked the board for arrival times. I wasn't sure what flight they were on but was fairly confident on the arrival time. As I wait, and wait, and watch numerous passengers arriving, I get nervous. Are they coming back? Did they decide to ditch the farm life and live in alaska? Did they fly of to Vegas? If they were not returning home, atleast they should have called so I could have feed the animals. Thirty minutes later they finally arrive. Thank goodness!

Trustworthy or Stupid Cows

2005-08-11T20:54:00.000-07:00

For the past week and half I have been getting up at the crack of dawn feeding my parents cows and horses. I spend about 45 minutes every morning throwing out hay for the cows and horses, transfering horses from stall to pasture, filling water troughs, cleaning out stalls and preparing for the evening feeding (moving bales of hay, loading wheel barrels, etc.). I am not used to doing all these kinds of farm chores. I can do it, my parents trust me to take care of all their animals for two weeks. I generally take on this task 2-3 times a year in one week segments. By the end of the first week I was getting tired of the whole business. I was tired of getting up early. I was not getting good sleep on their sofa. I was doing my normal life and supplimenting it with country fun. I was feeling run down. Starting on Monday of this week I was not able to feed the animals before dark.

Tonight I went out to start all my chores in my normal routine. I walk by the arena, look out to the other side of the arena and see a cow looking straight at me. Holy Crap! I left the back gate open all day. The cows could have just walked right out of the pasture into the arena, out the back, down the driveway and headed down the road. Needless to say I dropped everything on the normal routine and when out to count all the cows. Lucky for me they were all there. I cannot wait until I can live in the burbs again.

Impulses

2005-08-10T20:53:00.000-07:00

At times it seems to me that some acts are not enjoyable to do. At other times I have a mysterious urge to perform certain acts that I normally don't partake in. Yesterday was one of those days that I just couldn't think of any thing else. It was a gratifying night for everyone involved.

What Not To Wear

2005-08-09T20:51:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that some people don't know what their asses look like when they are working out. I go to the gym at least 4 times a week. I vary it up from yoga, pilates, kick boxing, hip hop, weights and cardio machines. I will not wear my yoga pants on the elliptical cross trainer if I can a void it. When I am spending quality time on a machine, I am bound to look around at the other people working their butts off too. I cannot believe what people wear. It may seem odd but I do look in the mirror at my ass before going to the gym because I don't want any bad visual vibes sent my way. Yeah it is great that people are taking an interest in their health but please people dress to flatter your figure. Form fitting athletic pants need to be worn with g-strings. Just don't wear tight on the ass pants if you have cellulite and wearing regular underwear does not conceal the bulges when you are using the treadmill or elliptical. I know because I have seen it.

Stopped In My Tracks

2005-08-08T14:15:00.000-07:00

Why am I hung up on another person’s failure to succeed? Probably because I am not challenging myself. I just finished a major fundraising project to purchase an educational and community services vehicle for our local Police Department. It was a great project. I took a lot of my time and energy to raise over $16,000. When the money was raised, I felt great that I accomplished my goal. The feeling of accomplishment faded quickly to what should I do next?

At my age in life, the question of what to do next is mind boggling. I could go back to the science field. I could start a new career. I could work part-time no-brainer jobs. I need to get my act together, work on my resume and get back out there. If I do go back to work that would mean less time volunteering. I would have to give up the Meals On Wheels program. It would mean doing fewer things for my family and giving up some activities. I wouldn’t be able to go to the gym as often. I may even gain weight. Scary thought.

Failure

2005-08-08T13:46:00.000-07:00

How do you deal with another person’s failure? When it is a personal failure, I general kick myself in the fanny for not doing as well as I expect myself to do. Generally I do well in most goals I take on. I admit that I have had some personal failures. I find failure on a daily basis due to my inability to accept that I cannot accomplish all tasks perfectly and cannot control the environment around me.

Recently someone close to me did not live up to his expectations or mine. This person in the past has succeeded in all major tasks set before him. So, why not in this last task? A promotion hinged on this testing process. He has not gotten the results back. He does know that he is not in the top 5 and most likely he must have failed a portion of his test dropping him off the promotion list entirely. I feel bad for him. I am also cannot believe it. In my past if someone fails I figure that it was not meant to be. It must not be the right time for the job, promotion, goal to be accomplished, etc. There is a plan. We just have to wait until it’s our time. Generally this works for me but I just cannot bend my head around the fact that this person failed. I know we all fail some times but why this time. I will just have to get used to the idea I guess.

Lost Without My Blog

2005-08-08T13:11:00.000-07:00

Since my last posting on my blog, my parent's computer lost internet access. I tried every thing I could think of to revive my connection to the internet. I had to go to my house to check email, pay bills, etc. This is the first chance I have had to sit down and start typing.

The first few days of blogging seemed to have a major emotional effect on me. I felt a release of the troubles/thoughts that were weighing on my mind. Since Tuesday, I have been unable to blog. Friday I was definately feeling bottled up with too much chatter rolling around in my head. Yesterday, I realized it was the blogging that had made the difference. It is like talking to a friend, sharing emotions and thoughts in written form. No one may read any of this but just putting my thoughts into written words releases my mind of clutter.

Immunizations and Growth Charts

2005-08-03T11:53:00.000-07:00

It is hard to explain to a young child why they need to get painful shots. I tried to explain this topic of immunization pros and cons in a convincing manner to my 7 year old son and my 4 year old daughter yesterday. All the while telling them that it is a preventative measure and it must be done. Telling them that I did it, their father did it, most people do get their shots. The necessity to get immunizations far out ways the possiblity of losing a child to a disease that is preventable by a shot. Maybe in the future my children's children will be lucky enough to recieve a nasal spray instead of an invasive painful shot. My son lucked out and his immunizations are all up to date. My daughter had 3 shots and a TB test. She was not a happy camper.

Growth Charts. The comparison of a child to the main stream of children across America. I know it is important to see if your child is thriving or not. It just seems odd as a woman in America comparing myself to the magazine covers, super models and actresses to judge my weight/appearance and then trying to promote a sense of health in my children without negative comparisons to other children. As a parent I try never to call or use the term fat when describing others. My children know what fat means and I have/do teach them to be sensitive to other peoples feelings. Words taken out of their every day vocabulary include: Fat and Stupid as well as all the ordinary curse words. Yesterday I found out that my son is still on the 25% percentile for height and weight. No surprises there. My daughter is now on the 25% for height and back on the chart for weight , 1%. My kids are small. I was a late bloomer, my children will be that way too it seems. It made me happy that my daughter was back on the chart. But should I be happy to be comparing my child to others? I don't think so. We compare ourselves to others on a daily basis which maybe wrong but we do it any way. Then as a parent of a new person you start comparing your child to other children in weight and height. Then it just continues to comparing you child to other children through height, weight, sports abilities, academics, etc. No wonder children and teens have such a hard time growing up with self confidence. We are born and then immediately start competing against others.

I Have Been Fortunate

2005-08-01T23:33:00.000-07:00

Today I arrived at the Senior Center ready to load up my car for Meals On Wheels. I was informed by the kitchen manager that a person on my route had past away over the weekend. This is the second person on my route that has died before I ever met them. I had been to this man's door two weeks in a row with him not answering. It turns out he was in the hospital and never made it back home. I have been delivering meals for 2 years now to some of the same people since my first day. Seniors have been added to my route, moved away, or cancelled delivery. I deliver to couples on my route as well as single residence homes. I get to know the Senior that answer the door. I have become close, maybe too close to some of them. I like to surprise them on holidays with a little something extra or maybe a rose from my garden on an ordinary day. I know when they go on vacation, when they are going to see their family, when they are not feeling good and just chat with them at the door for a few minutes every Monday. I am going to be crushed when one of these individuals moves on. I know they are bound for a better place. They are having meals delivered to their homes because they don't feel well enough to get out of their houses. It will still be hard to not visit them on my route when the time comes. At least I got to know these folks while I got the chance. Eventually we all die. Maybe I will be the one that stops delivering to them due to death. One can never be sure that our work is done on earth until we are done.

On a lighter note. I have temporarly moved out to the country. I have been given instructions for the care of all animals big and small on the ranch. I take my parents to the airport tomorrow and then I am on chore duty. Believe me the horses and cows will not let you forget they need to be fed. They will neigh and moo until you get out there. To top it off the neighbors, only neighbors in walking distance, are on vacation. Their place is being attended by a college student to take care of their new hunting dog. While my dad was giving me instructions, I witnessed a little outdoor party taking place. The dog seemed to be more interested in this side of the fence than in his own company. Should make for an interesting week.

I did make it to the gym today. I did lift weights, chest and biceps. I haven't been lifting in months. I had been doing intense and power yoga 3-5 days a week. While at the gym I ran into a friend of my former yoga instructor. I asked her what was up with our instructor quiting. It seems that she found a new job and is going to persue furthering her education in yoga. Well that is nice for her and I am happy for her but it sucks for me. I am still bummed that she is not coming back. My attitude is not very yoga minded. I need to just accept the different instuctors with an open mind. Until that happens, my plan is to lift 3 days a week with pilates 2 days a week. I may mix in kickboxing and hip hop classes as well.

Typical Sunday

2005-08-01T01:25:00.000-07:00

Slept in just long enough to not miss church. I have been attending a new church that has a 10 am service and is closer to home. We had a guest pastor speaking this morning. His sermon was originial and funny. It made for a pleasant morning.

I was not too productive today. I watched the DVD In Good Company. It was a good look at how as we get older we are not as desirable in the corporate world. Many people now a days change careers in their thirties. I am at that juncture now. Do I want to presue my original career as a scientist or should I look else where. I figure I have about I more year until I have to make up my mind.

Making changes for my life at twenty didn't have the same ramifications at it does at thirty three. People think I am crazy for giving up the big salary. What about the investment made in my education? Do I have an obligation to use my degrees? I did use my education. I got great stock options at the time. It but a huge down payment on the house. Now I just don't know if science will be possible in the area I live in, if I can make it in my field, or if I want to. Maybe I should go for my Masters and hide out in school for a few years. Money makes the world go around, the world go around, it makes the world go round.

Seeking Out Change In My Outlook

2005-07-31T01:55:00.000-07:00

In the past, I have not been much of a writer. Lately I have been restless in my life though I should be most grateful of my circumstances. I cannot explain my poor attitude nor can I justify it.

I have been noticing all the bloggers on the web, on the news, every where. I did some research online to discover what everyone is up to. Making a journal to express oneself is not a new idea. I have written in journals before with many failures to complete a notebook. I could not stand my handwriting or would not like sentence structure. It made me quite frustrated at having to erase or scribble over unwanted text. With the computer however, I hope this will be an outlet for my mind with atleast partial success in expression.

I hope that this will bring about awareness of my actions, my surroundings and open my eyes to the benefits of my life that I am squandering.